Rants

[Swifty89]

I don’t have nice days anymore. I don’t bother with that. I’m beyond the nice day; I feel I’ve outgrown the whole idea. Besides, I’ve already had my share of nice days. Why should I be hogging them all? Let someone else have a few.
Naturally, everyone still wants me to have one. Every person I meet wants me to have a nice day. Especially clerks.
“Have a nice day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You wanna gimme my fuckin’ change, please? I’m triple-parked!”
Some of them are really insistent.
“I said have a nice day! Do it!”
“All right, all right! I’ll give it a shot.”
That’s the trouble with “Have a nice day.” It puts all the pressure on you. Now you have to go out and somehow arrange to have a positive experience. All because of some loose-lipped clerk.
Have a nice day, indeed! Maybe I don’t feel like having a nice day. Maybe—just maybe—I’ve had twenty-seven nice days in a row, and I’m ready for a crappy day. You never hear that, do you?
“Have a crappy day!”
“Why, thank you. Right back at ya! And to your wonderful family as well!”
A crappy day; that would be easy. No trouble at all. No planning involved. Just get out of bed and start moving around.
I think what bothers me most about the whole “nice day” thing is that word “nice.” It’s a weak word. It doesn’t have a lot of character. Nice.
“Isn’t he nice? He is so nice. And she’s nice too! Isn’t that nice? How nice they are!”
I don’t care for it. It’s like “fine.” Another weak word.
“How are you?”
“Fine.”
Bullshit! Nobody’s fine. Hair is fine.
“How’s your hair?
“Fine.”
That makes more sense to me.
Some guys are “great”! You ever meet those guys?
“This is great! Isn’t this great? Goddamn, this is great! Look, they’re gonna kill that guy! Isn’t that great?”
Not me. I’m not nice, I’m not fine, I’m not great. People ask me how I am, I don’t give them any superlatives; nothing to gossip about. I tell them I’m “fairly decent.” Or “relatively okay.” I might say, “I’m moderately neato.” And if I’m in a particularly jaunty mood, I’ll tell them, “I’m not unwell, thank you.”
That one always pisses them off. Because they have to figure it out for themselves

[Barwench]

Love these rants. you do have a special skill for them.
Keep it up

[Swifty89]

a winner is me?

[Swifty89]

• Guys in their fifties named Skip.
• Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with a platinum credit card.
• An airline pilot wearing two different shoes.
• A proctologist with poor depth perception.
• A pimp who drives a Ford Escort.
• A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three Quaaludes before the examination.
• Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats.
• Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 300 times in a two-minute conversation.
• A dentist with blood in his hair.
• Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals.
• A funeral director who says, “Hope to see you folks again real soon.”
• A man with only one lip.
• A Boy Scoutmaster who works at a dildo shop.
• People who know the third verse to the “Star Spangled Banner.”
• Any lawyer who refers to the police as “the federales.”
• A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin.
• Guys who have their names printed on their belts.
• A brain surgeon with BORN TO LOSE tattooed on his hand.
• Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initial.
• A man in a hospital gown, directing traffic.
• A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.
• People who have large gums and small teeth.
• Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their crotch.
• Any woman whose arm hair completely covers her wristwatch.

[Swifty89]

Originally Posted by Swifty89

• Guys in their fifties named Skip.
• Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with a platinum credit card.
• An airline pilot wearing two different shoes.
• A proctologist with poor depth perception.
• A pimp who drives a Ford Escort.
• A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three Quaaludes before the examination.
• Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats.
• Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 300 times in a two-minute conversation.
• A dentist with blood in his hair.
• Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals.
• A funeral director who says, “Hope to see you folks again real soon.”
• A man with only one lip.
• A Boy Scoutmaster who works at a dildo shop.
• People who know the third verse to the “Star Spangled Banner.”
• Any lawyer who refers to the police as “the federales.”
• A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin.
• Guys who have their names printed on their belts.
• A brain surgeon with BORN TO LOSE tattooed on his hand.
• Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initial.
• A man in a hospital gown, directing traffic.
• A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand.
• People who have large gums and small teeth.
• Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their crotch.
• Any woman whose arm hair completely covers her wristwatch.

this is not mine but it seems appropriate.
and i agree entirely

[Swifty89]

1. I Gotta Be Me
2. My Way
3. I Write the Songs
4. That’s Life
5. Let Me Entertain You
6. Hey, Look Me Over
7. You’re Gonna Hear From Me
8. Impossible Dream
9. I Will Survive
10. If They Could See Me Now

[Swifty89]

who is full of win

the long overdue: vista rant

ok let me start out bluntly

vista is the single worst operating system in existence without exception

it is even worse than me
dos was better than vista

ok

here is an example:

i summon windows me in defence mode
vista uses epic fail for 800000000 points of damage on windows me
i activate windows 95 trap card
but vistas special effect: meaningless system resources drain negates the effect

vista uses new explorer bar options for 40000 damage to life points

vista has failed.

seriously terminator needs to be rewritten so arnie sez asta la MOST USELESS PIECE OF SHIT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok swifty im afraid for vista .

omg hun u really have lost the plot lol

[Swifty89]

lol
"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal, except those who created or are in support of vista"